Remorse

Sakshi, the chick who's room I crash into for its excellent Wi-Fi connectivity compared to the bullock-cart speeding connectivity in my dinghy match-box of a room, Turned another year older last week.

Her boyfriend gave her pet fishes in a bowl as her birthday present. Two utterly cute, shining, tiny, and absolutely round- eyed "fishy" Gold-fishes.

How adorable is that!
It made me day dream..what if I had someone...who'd do that for me..


I am so sorry to disappoint my readers in this post, because here I am not in a mood to write anything funny or sarcastic. Even poetical for that matter. This post is not meant to entertain/enlighten my readers. However few they are, they are loyal, faithful and regular.
Thank you, all of you!

For now and for the coming few other posts, I am going to make this blog like a personal Diary.

All I am going to do is be talking to myself here.

I apologize if its disappointing. But I need to vent out somewhere. So here it goes....

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Right now, all I am feeling is...Empty.
My eyes hurt. My back hurts. I had a VIVA today.
Screwed it bad. I had the time, I had the notes. I just dint bother going through them.

I had a Big shot at this interview a few days back at a semi-biggie Ad agency.

I Screwed it bad as well.
The interviewer Roasted n grilled me alive. Maybe I deserved it.

No, I haven't heard from them again.

I had a few skeletons in my closet. Painful. Buried them deep.
All of a sudden, without a warning, they are resurfacing. I am scared. Those long forgotten wounds. Those dried tears seem to be welling up in my eyes again.

No, I am not strong enough any more. I cannot fight again. I just cannot. I do not have the strength left in me. I have been fighting since the last 3 years. I want to surrender. I am exhausted. I want a shelter.

I had read somewhere that you can never get rid of your past. Your past is a part of your existence. And there is a bond of remorse which binds your present self with the self you were in your past.

I now understand every word of it.

I do not want to be a victim anymore. Why wasn't i made any stronger? Like my Mother. Like my Father. Why am I not Strong?

My life. I am screwing it bad too. Isn't it?

I've Always been lousy at chess. Even a 10 year old can beat me at it. Maybe thats why, I lose at the games people play with me.

I guess there are no straight talkers left around here.

Where can I meet someone who is as "idiotic" as me? Is a an equal and opposite fool made for me?

Why is it that I feel no emotions. Why is it, that my emotions cling to inertia?

Cant I press Rewind and erase some last 10 years of my life?
Cant I start all over again?

I promise to be a good child. I promise to be a good girl. I will never miss school and I will never fake a temperature to bunk. I will do all my homework on time. I will never harass my parents to buy me fancy stuff that I see with other children. I will never bully my younger brother. I will help my grand mother in climbing the stairs and I promise to spend an hour talking to her everyday.

Please, Will you let me go back and live my life in a better way again?
Will I ever get a chance?

To play in the streets again.

To wash off all the stains of alcohol from my blood.

To send all the tears back in the tear-glands of my eyes.

To be free. To be a child again.

Will a chance of hogging an ice-cream excite me ever again?
Will I ever have a crush again?

Will my life be free of Remorse again?